Good Morning, 

This morning as I sit and write my mind is literally everywhere! There are so many wonderful things that are happening in our lives yet so many tragic things that are happening all around me. It's hard for me to write in a public place all the things I think and feel because sometime it comes out sounding like "its about me" and I truly know it's not. 

This time last year I had a friend who was making preparations for her child to pass away; this year I'm doing the same thing. If I haven't mentioned it before - let me tell you - I hate cancer! I don't know what to say to these moms, parents, grandparents. I know some people perceive this as a lack of concern from me but I must confess it's not........it's sheer guilt. Even as I write the word, tears stream down my face. Mothers losing their children sets my body and mind into a comatose state where all I can do is...........exist. If I feel this way......I can only imagine the pain that mother must feel. 

Then there's the mother who waits patiently for results from a "scan" just to hear those dreaded words -- there seems to be something.......or a phone call to return to the hospital....there's a spot......

I wish I could tell you that I walk away from these situations believing everything will be just fine in the lives of these families; but the truth is I don't. Instead I running weeping like a child to GOD crying, I cry in the car, in the tub, in bed at night, in the dark when I can't sleep. I weep for these mothers, for them to know that I don't understand any more than they do! I weep pleading with God "What can I do??" "Where can I minister??" "What do I say?" --I'm just a simple woman who knows that the GOD I serve truly LOVES me, LOVES them, and ONE DAY.....as David said (2 Samuel 12:23) I will go to where my loved ones are. 

Easier said than done? Maybe.....but what else do I have to hope for? It's taken me almost 40 years to build the confidence in GOD that in the dry seasons of my life, He is the only Living Water that will truly quench my thirst. My thirst for answers, my thirst for understanding, my thirst for a vision of what my purpose here on earth truly is. I've also learned that a thirst isn't quenched with just a passing sip. We must commit ourselves to drink of the waters every hour of every day.........

For me, my thirst became evident 10 years ago and the road to how I could quench that thirst has been revealed to me over and over again by the interceding of Godly people. REAL Godly people. Men and women who knew GOD's Word, studied it, placed it in their hearts, and most importantly LIVED it daily. Their testimony showed me what GOD's Living Water looked like, tasted like and felt like when I submersed myself in it. Not when tragedy befell me but daily, moment to moment, a constant companion HE must be. The past 10 years of my life I have had the most spiritual growth by surrounding myself with men and women (Wallace Baptist Church) who aren't just routine Christians....they are true disciples of the Living Lord - Faith Talkers and Walkers -

When devastating moments happen in our lives we have a choice - we can wonder in the wilderness or we can find refuge in the LORD.  We find security in the refuge of the Lord  (love Psalm 91) along with peace and ultimately clear understanding. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I hate cancer! However, in the words of Jake Hess - "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now!"

I recently read a story of a young man who had gotten into trouble laundering money and set out to kill himself to avoid the shame he had brought to his family and the consequences he knew he would face (Facing Your Giants- Max Lucado) Praise GOD he couldn't do it. He did ultimately face jail time but because he had "sipped" from GOD's Living Water throughout his life he knew who the LORD was and knew it was time to "belly up to table and drink heartily!" He found HIS refuge in GOD and upon his release, he surrounded him self with a church family who mentored him, gave him BREAD to eat and WATER to drink and is now a Senior Pastor at one of the fastest growing churches in Kentucky! WOW -- 

My point?? :) My journey has taught me a lot. But the most important thing I think I've learned is that Christians aren't immune to hurt. As I walk daily with HIM I might face circumstances that I can't fathom or understand. But when I surrounding myself with HIM, with GODly people, drinking in HIS Living Water, submersing myself in who HE is and who HE wants me to be my burdens grow light and my mission and ministry becomes clear. 

On the day we found out Alli had cancer, we didn't fall down and cry out asking God why?  Did that mean WE had that much faith??? (NO!) -- It just meant that WE knew then what WE know now OUR GOD is OUR only HOPE! My friend Stacie stood in my living room and held me by my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and asked "Are you ok?" I smiled and answered her with a confidence I cannot explain "Yes! She's not ours - she belongs to GOD and HE can and will do with her what HE desires!" I don't know where those words came from - but I know I meant them then and I mean them now - even as heart wrenching as it is to say and write them......I know it's true!! Even when the doctors told us our chances were 50/50 -- (and really not even that good) -- I just smiled (very goofy like) and said "Well, that's what you say - we'll rely on the Lord!" -- my only explanation?? I just didn't believe any medicine on earth or any physicians hand could heal her -- only THE GREAT PHYSICIAN was gonna be able to pull this one off.

When I tell that story I reminded, women of greater faith than me have pleaded for their loved ones and GOD has chosen to take them anyway. Why? I have NO answer! But it doesn't change my faith or my belief that the GOD I serve LOVES us and purposes our lives for good.........in all situations. 

I can tell you that when our daughter was riddled with sores, couldn't eat and on the verge of what appeared to be death.......I had a hard time seeing GOD's goodness (I'm ashamed to the point of tears) - but even now my tear stained face remembers those images and how all I could do was lay a towel by her bed, kneal and plead with GOD - crying out - to make it stop!!! Knowing the STOP maybe to take her home with HIM! 

I didn't know then what I know now....that GOD used Alli's cancer to heal so many. That our prayer for salvation for others through Alli's journey was really being answered!! I didn't and couldn't know those things then because GOD's purpose was for us to trust HIM fully, in all circumstances -- knowing that the outcome only belongs to HIM for the sole purpose of the glorification of HIS KINGDOM! Sometimes -- we can't know and will never know GOD's plan (reasons) ........that's why it's called FAITH! 

I know I need to close (I've been reading and writing for almost 2 hours) -- but I don't know how to end.........Writing is SO very personal to me that I'm always afraid to put it out there. 

But there is a thought that comes to mind. My journey was and is bearable because I struggled; because I had to lay aside ALL the things of MAN and rely on GOD alone! Only when I did that did I see clearly - the man GOD had given me to walk this journey with me, the family, friends and church GOD had given me for support and most importantly I saw the CHRIST - GOD had provided for me. When I began to seek GOD, HIS will and HIS way alone -- I knew that we would be ok -- whatever the outcome. 

Today - I leave these words --Do you know GOD? Do you know that when bad things happen GOD has not left you? Do you have a place (physical place) where you can go, to find other believers who will give you GOD's Word to feast on? Who will pray with you, love you and help reveal to you GOD's ministry for your life? I pray that you will seek that place - that you will seek GOD and when you find HIM - you will hold fast to HIM!