Feeling a little down and confused I was pleasantly uplifted by my Bible study this morning. It was about Barnabas and how he was an "encouragement" to Paul. Barnabas' name was actually Joseph. But he was such an encourager to the disciples that they re-named him Barnabas!! That is SO COOL---
This made me reflect on the past 8 months of our "Cancer Journey." As I looked back I began to think of the over 155,000 people who have stopped by Alli's site, the people who have emailed us, sent packages/letters/donations, who have organized fundraisers. Those people who have taken the 6 hour treck to Memphis to see Alli, who have called just to pray with me on the phone and check on my mental state (which we know only had room for improvement-ha)
The PRAYER WARRIORS who have NEVER stopped praying!! (I have a special one who I chat with in wee hours of the morning....thank you my special friend!!)
Encouragers.........each and everyone of you out there have been a GREAT and FAITHFUL encouragement to me and my entire family!! .............you Barnabas' (is that correct grammar?)
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
As I close let me leave you with some words of Mrs. Beth Moore
"Dear Lord,
Open my eyes to new opportunities to encourage others daily. Help me to give people the courage to be the people YOU have called them to be................Help me to be................
AN ENCOURAGER!!"
Today, will you be the encourager or the discourager??? Jesus has called us to lift one another up...............
All my love and thanks to everyone out there....all 155,000 of you!
Paula
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Little Orphan Annie...........by Rachel Mullan
This is a story told to me by Miss Rachel Mullan from Covington, LA. It is an old folk tale told to her by her mom many years ago................
Little orphan Annie has come to our house to stay
and wash the cups an saucers up and brush the crumbs away
and shoo the chickens off the porch and dust the hearth and sweep
and make the fire and bake the bread and earn her board and keep
and all of us other children when the supper things is done
We sits around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun.
Alistening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!!
And once there was a little girl who would always laugh and grin
and make fun of everyone even her own blood and kin
and once when there was compnay and the old folks were there
she mock'em and she shocked'em an she said she didn't care
but just as she kicked her heel to turn and run and hide
there was two great big black things astanding by her side
and they snatched her through the ceiling before she knew what she's about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
And once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers
and when he went to bed at night way way upstairs
his mama heard him holler an his daddy heard him ball
but when they pulled the covers down he wasn't there at all
and they seeked'em in the rafter room and chimney flew and press
an seek'em in the cubby hole and everywhere's I guess
but all they ever found was just his pants around about
an the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
So little orphan Annie says when the blaze is blue and the lamp wick sputters
and the wind goes whoooooo and you hear the crickets crick
and the moon is gray and all the lightening bugs and dew is all squenched away
You better mind your parents and your teachers fine
and dear and cherish those that love you and dry the orphans tear
an help the poor and needy ones that clusters all about
or else...........the GOBLINS will get you if you DON'T WATCH OUT!!!!!
Little orphan Annie has come to our house to stay
and wash the cups an saucers up and brush the crumbs away
and shoo the chickens off the porch and dust the hearth and sweep
and make the fire and bake the bread and earn her board and keep
and all of us other children when the supper things is done
We sits around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun.
Alistening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!!
And once there was a little girl who would always laugh and grin
and make fun of everyone even her own blood and kin
and once when there was compnay and the old folks were there
she mock'em and she shocked'em an she said she didn't care
but just as she kicked her heel to turn and run and hide
there was two great big black things astanding by her side
and they snatched her through the ceiling before she knew what she's about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
And once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers
and when he went to bed at night way way upstairs
his mama heard him holler an his daddy heard him ball
but when they pulled the covers down he wasn't there at all
and they seeked'em in the rafter room and chimney flew and press
an seek'em in the cubby hole and everywhere's I guess
but all they ever found was just his pants around about
an the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
So little orphan Annie says when the blaze is blue and the lamp wick sputters
and the wind goes whoooooo and you hear the crickets crick
and the moon is gray and all the lightening bugs and dew is all squenched away
You better mind your parents and your teachers fine
and dear and cherish those that love you and dry the orphans tear
an help the poor and needy ones that clusters all about
or else...........the GOBLINS will get you if you DON'T WATCH OUT!!!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Cancer..........How I really feel
The following words were written during our stay on the BMT floor at St. Jude Childrens hospital during Aug. 2010...............these are the days I pray she never remembers.......
The wretched smell of chemo. The grotesque, colorful world of vomit- A thin naked body, bones laying in wait under the skin-waiting for muscles to wear away exposing their pointy surfaces, like faces under a mask--Panty hosed bandits with noses- smashed against skin the color of brown nylon fabric - (another affect of the chemo). another reminder of the drugs she must endure.
Limbs so tiny- its like holding the thinnest of glass. Her body convulses with dramatic bursts, as her insides erupt forward like burning lava--it burns as it passes upward past the open oozing sores of her throat and mouth.
The white thickness of their molten pores spilling into her mouth cluttering her voice with spittle. The harsh gagging sound of the suction- she puts it in her pursed lips- clears a path for air and voice.
As I hold her to me- vomit runs down my back and into my hair. She gently pushes my hair from my neck- so she can rest her face there- her favorite spot. A dark place-hidden from light and staring faces. A place of shelter from the maddening world of cancer.
Today she doesn't lift her face and smile and say "mama, you smell good." Today the only smells we smell are of cancer, chemo and stem cells.
They look like something from a sci-fi movie. Cush-sh-sh-sh the silver canister seems to say as it opens it's mouth; bringing forth the red frozen body parts. A popsicle of cells, stilled in growth ready...........as they are submerged in a warm bath- their frozen state begins to be replaced by the revival of life. Jellylike, they are ready to be returned to their donor.
As they are infused their odor is subtle. But gradually it becomes overwhelming- rusted tomatoes she begins to cry and get angry. As the tiny cells invade her taste buds-her lungs- her every pore. Even her now rapid breath reaks of the horrid smell of iron. Every cell now stained by the very thing meant to save her.
I'm so tired....tired of blood counts, masks, and everything cancer. I'm so tired of blood, vomit and crap.......My body and mind have aged millions of years- I see the stress on my face; I feel it in my body. The soul of my 5 year old is that of an elderly woman. My baby is no longer a baby- she is a survivor!
As I gently raise her from the tub she rests her body on mine and says "Mama, I'm sick." I just want to scream, to throw-up, to hit something or someone!! As she sits naked on the edge of the tub- holding my hand her spirit- that strongwilled spirit still shines through. "barking orders" telling me the 'correct way' to hold the vomit pail- still fragile- I am proud of her spirit of the fight in her. God please never let her lose her fight.
Those eyes- big, blue- from the moment she was born- Alli has always had the ability to stare right through you with them. A sea of bright blue that can charm, deceive and laugh- all at the same time.
But today there is no charm no laughter; that bright blue sea has turned to a black cauldron of nothingness. They stare at you but it is as if they have no soul. of all the things cancer has done; this is one of the worst. The blackness in her eyes is a reminder of the monster within..........
The wretched smell of chemo. The grotesque, colorful world of vomit- A thin naked body, bones laying in wait under the skin-waiting for muscles to wear away exposing their pointy surfaces, like faces under a mask--Panty hosed bandits with noses- smashed against skin the color of brown nylon fabric - (another affect of the chemo). another reminder of the drugs she must endure.
Limbs so tiny- its like holding the thinnest of glass. Her body convulses with dramatic bursts, as her insides erupt forward like burning lava--it burns as it passes upward past the open oozing sores of her throat and mouth.
The white thickness of their molten pores spilling into her mouth cluttering her voice with spittle. The harsh gagging sound of the suction- she puts it in her pursed lips- clears a path for air and voice.
As I hold her to me- vomit runs down my back and into my hair. She gently pushes my hair from my neck- so she can rest her face there- her favorite spot. A dark place-hidden from light and staring faces. A place of shelter from the maddening world of cancer.
Today she doesn't lift her face and smile and say "mama, you smell good." Today the only smells we smell are of cancer, chemo and stem cells.
They look like something from a sci-fi movie. Cush-sh-sh-sh the silver canister seems to say as it opens it's mouth; bringing forth the red frozen body parts. A popsicle of cells, stilled in growth ready...........as they are submerged in a warm bath- their frozen state begins to be replaced by the revival of life. Jellylike, they are ready to be returned to their donor.
As they are infused their odor is subtle. But gradually it becomes overwhelming- rusted tomatoes she begins to cry and get angry. As the tiny cells invade her taste buds-her lungs- her every pore. Even her now rapid breath reaks of the horrid smell of iron. Every cell now stained by the very thing meant to save her.
I'm so tired....tired of blood counts, masks, and everything cancer. I'm so tired of blood, vomit and crap.......My body and mind have aged millions of years- I see the stress on my face; I feel it in my body. The soul of my 5 year old is that of an elderly woman. My baby is no longer a baby- she is a survivor!
As I gently raise her from the tub she rests her body on mine and says "Mama, I'm sick." I just want to scream, to throw-up, to hit something or someone!! As she sits naked on the edge of the tub- holding my hand her spirit- that strongwilled spirit still shines through. "barking orders" telling me the 'correct way' to hold the vomit pail- still fragile- I am proud of her spirit of the fight in her. God please never let her lose her fight.
Those eyes- big, blue- from the moment she was born- Alli has always had the ability to stare right through you with them. A sea of bright blue that can charm, deceive and laugh- all at the same time.
But today there is no charm no laughter; that bright blue sea has turned to a black cauldron of nothingness. They stare at you but it is as if they have no soul. of all the things cancer has done; this is one of the worst. The blackness in her eyes is a reminder of the monster within..........
Dreaming..........
There are things that I will post here that I won't post on CB or FB because I feel like people who seek out this page are really seeking more of my thoughts than words and updates of Alli and cancer. This is my spot to speak my mind and not worry about updates and procedure but to rather just be me!
Not long ago I had a dream....I was in a horror movie. I was in an old abandon wood house with gaps in the wood sliding that allowed just enough light in to give it the dramatic feel of a hollywood horror movie. I was on my knees praying beside an old rusted iron bed-very well aware that something or someone was watching me- but I was not afraid.
As I rose from my knees I entered into a room that must have been the living room. Just then, up from the floor-bursting through- came satan!! He wasn't the red devil image of books and Halloween but a dreadful looking creature of gray-death like color. Long clawed nails, wings wide open, horns, gnashing teeth--horrible!! Then he reached out and grabbed my arm--and I FELT SOMETHING GRAB ME!! (I've never had a dream like that before) In my sleep I could feel something had a hold on me and I was wrestling with it. At that moment I looked into his face and said- without fear- "You have NO place here..get thee behind me!!!" I wasn't afraid--but I was mad. As I wrestled ot get my arm away from him I heard the most joyful sound..
Behind me to my left was the most beautiful white light. Within the light was singing and laughing..a voice of an angel. There behind me was Allison singing "Jesus..He can move the mountains...My GOD is mighty to save, He is mighty to save....." Along with her was my sister Amanda. I turned and was in complete peace that Alli was there with me...singing and knowing that Jesus is ever present. I looked right at the devil and started laughing.....I knew-(had a conscience thought) that I have no reason to be angry at you....YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE!! At that moment I started laughing he disappeared like a puff of smoke and was replaced with the most beautiful field of flowers. Then I woke up! I wasn't upset or afraid...but at complete peace.
Do with that what you will..........I've NEVER had anything so real happen to me before in my life.
Paula
Not long ago I had a dream....I was in a horror movie. I was in an old abandon wood house with gaps in the wood sliding that allowed just enough light in to give it the dramatic feel of a hollywood horror movie. I was on my knees praying beside an old rusted iron bed-very well aware that something or someone was watching me- but I was not afraid.
As I rose from my knees I entered into a room that must have been the living room. Just then, up from the floor-bursting through- came satan!! He wasn't the red devil image of books and Halloween but a dreadful looking creature of gray-death like color. Long clawed nails, wings wide open, horns, gnashing teeth--horrible!! Then he reached out and grabbed my arm--and I FELT SOMETHING GRAB ME!! (I've never had a dream like that before) In my sleep I could feel something had a hold on me and I was wrestling with it. At that moment I looked into his face and said- without fear- "You have NO place here..get thee behind me!!!" I wasn't afraid--but I was mad. As I wrestled ot get my arm away from him I heard the most joyful sound..
Behind me to my left was the most beautiful white light. Within the light was singing and laughing..a voice of an angel. There behind me was Allison singing "Jesus..He can move the mountains...My GOD is mighty to save, He is mighty to save....." Along with her was my sister Amanda. I turned and was in complete peace that Alli was there with me...singing and knowing that Jesus is ever present. I looked right at the devil and started laughing.....I knew-(had a conscience thought) that I have no reason to be angry at you....YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE!! At that moment I started laughing he disappeared like a puff of smoke and was replaced with the most beautiful field of flowers. Then I woke up! I wasn't upset or afraid...but at complete peace.
Do with that what you will..........I've NEVER had anything so real happen to me before in my life.
Paula
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