The following is what happens when you are a 37 year old woman with too many Ally McBeal reruns and not enough sleep---no employees or small animals were hurt in the writing of this fantasy.............
It's a Thursday (1:30 AM) Alli and I are in ICU--both very tossy-turny--both unable to sleep. I've given up the battle of sleep. I'm done- "put a fork in me."
But it seems unfair to declare defeat to the public when the battle has not been fully explained. How can you claim defeat when there has apparently been no fight to start with? Oh, but there has. Let's see...
Sunday night- Allison was admitted to the ICU at St. Jude to begin the first round of her antibody treatments. I jokingly noticed that my bed for the next 5 nights would be a large, very cumbersome, blue recliner in the corner of this small room. Now- if the recliner had been in proper working order- the thought came to mind that I might could make it. But since it wasn't- my battle cry began to wane..however, not wanting to put a damper on the already unsure days to come- I "Manned-up" take one for the team kind of attitude-ed it away!
First 24 hours without sleep aren't really that bad. Sleep is overrated- a statement you may hear me say more than once in this little story. It became comical to me. How could a place so dedicated to patient care have forgotten that in order for me - the parent - to participate with them in that care I might require a place to sleep- that was a tad more comfortable? A feeling of guilt came over me- It's St. Jude- they've gone above and beyond to help us- to give us back our child. The picture in my head was a cartoon where the King (St. Jude) comes by and throws out crumbs to the peasants...(I was a peasant) ...and we are SO grateful to get them that we lap them up never looking at them to see what they truly are............rotten broken pieces of a dilapidated recliner!!
After 48 hours of no sleep....it was hard to try and "man-up" and take one for the team or see the "King" in his good light. Daddy is staying here in Memphis and comes to sit with Alli so I can shower-but on his Tuesday visit- I decided to nap at the Grizzly house and he decided to take this opportunity to get my broken chair fixed. Why? Because that's what daddies do. They protect their daughters from things that go "bump" in the night, boys with bad intentions and unacceptable acts of torture by furniture!
I'm not quite sure how the conversation went but I'm sure there was a lot of ideas flying about the room of what was wrong with the chair and exactly how he would fix it before the maintenance fellow actually took the old blue chair away. And as with all things, when something leaves- something else usually arrives to take it's place. This was just the case on this particular Tuesday.
Upon my return to the hospital, my feet and spirit dragged up the elevator and down the hall way toward the room with the "blue chair" I heard a pounding in my head shouting- "NO--not back to the chair!!" Sounds of drums reminiscent of a beheading- But alas, when I entered the room it was the first thing I saw- beckoning- me from across the room. It's bright silver casters with locks on the bottom to indicate Red - for locked or Black - for unlocked. It sparkled so that I had to cover my eyes to guard against it's blinding radiance- It invited me to sit down in it's deep lap and to curl my feet up on this flat smooth surface. It's arms enveloped me with a feeling of familiarity; like I was made to sit in this chair and it had been vacant in it's purpose until I rested my posterior in it awaiting upholstery. I inhaled it's fragrance--it smelled like victory- it smelled like sleep.
I took a moment- gathered my composure, almost feeling embarrassed by the gratification my senses were enjoying, and thanked my father for all the wonderful things in life he had provided us. But mostly, at this moment, for the chair he had single handily acquired! "Oh-Father- there is none so great and powerful as you." I told him- Men will spend ages attempting to understand and emulate the father you are. (I must take pause here..the emotions are just too much!)..............
Thank you - It is here in our story that I would like to pause and say that there is a "Happily ever After" in the making but not just yet. After "Father" left, I sat and began to really get to know my new friend. Every inch of it's red leather, sparkled and begged "Please sit here." I was glad to oblige. But I no more had begun to enjoy it inviting comforts went to my shock I looked up at the door to see the maintenance guy with .........THE BLUE CHAIR!!!
I jumped up "What's this?" He walked by me- grabbed the RED chair and wheeled her out the door. Her arms reaching out to me- mother and child separated- lovers torn apart - childhood friends driving away holding onto that last rearview window gaze......I felt......despair..."what do I do?" --I acted quickly-- as he unloaded the BLUE immovable chair. No shiny metal casters for him. Just planked wood bottom to slide and scuff floors, splintering his victims as they sit. I said to him "Is is fixed?" SHOT---at that moment-- he went for his six-shooters. His eyes shut to a sly slit- he rested his navy blue pants in the BLUE chair--suddenly...he pulled the lever--preparing for relaxation and victory---he got...neither!!
I felt good- smug-- I laughed at his jammed lever- his gum-shoe hands and six shooter attitude. It was still broken. As he tucked his tail and BLUE chair was carted away--I reentered the room with a sigh of relief. This victory had been secured....all was well.
As night fell I gathered my things. It was at that moment that the most wonderful thing happened. The sleep that had eluded me for nearly 72 hours began to return to me. As the sun faded behind the horizon- my eyes too began to disappear behind a curtain of lids.
I awoke- feeling more refreshed than the days before- my outlook was bright- optimistic of the day to come! Breakfast was better- the eggs tasted more eggy- the bacon more bacony- the grits-more grit like--the coffee drank smoother--warmed me deeper- all was right. As I indulged my senses and wrapped my body in the warmth of the arms of the RED chair- there came a knock at the door.
I rose unwillingly from my euphoria and pulled back the curtain to reveal the glass door. There- I stared in shock-as screams- voices yelling "NO!!" - horror music played in my head- was THE BLUE CHAIR!!
I stammered as I watched...he walked past me...eggs, bacon and grits sputtering forth as I tried to understand - why? "It's fixed." He said - smuggly-- "WHY can't I keep this chair?" I asked- exasperated. "Because" he said "my job is to decide who gets what chairs, and I decide- you don't get this one." --There it is folks---plain and simple--He had bigger guns-- and more so--he had me by the guns.
I mean--what do you do in a situation like this? Sure, pictures of me falling on the floor being dragged away with the RED chair crossed my mind. I pictured my self standing on the deck of the Titanic saying "I'll never forget you," as he wheeled her away...........
In my disgust I returned to the room- emotionally wrought--wondering--will I ever see her again? What job was so important that she couldn't be mine? Is she alone tonight- wondering were are the rumps to warm her ample seat? I would like to tell you that there wasn't mourning but there was. We all felt it- even the nurses came by to check on me- to stare at the monstrosity of BLUE that had been left in the wake of RED magnificence.
The BLUE haunts me now- stealing my sleep- laughing creeks as I try to recline and he folds me up again and again. The jerk in his recline reminds me of the smooth glide of her lean. Never a bobble, just smooth- relaxed. His is forced- grouchy- old -irritated. And although he may have won this time; him and his master of navy blue pants, ruler of the recliners. Rules are made to change.....RED chairs were made to be loved...........I will find her........I will bring her back........I will rest again!!!
