I don't have any great epiphanies to share early this morning; just a few thoughts rolling around in my head. I've recently accepted a job at a neighboring school in our district. I'm thrilled at the new opportunity. It's a chance to leave my classroom and do what I've wanted to do for sometime now....teach - teachers.
But as excited as I am to be starting something new, I'm also broken at leaving home. Pleasant Hill is a small rural north Louisiana community of approximately 700 - good, God fearing, Bible reading, power praying, "give you the shirt of their backs" kind of people. It's just a little piece of southern heaven.......mixed appropriately enough with a little dab of small town "hell" at times too (LOL). But all in all it's my home!
I will miss the halls I've walked since I was a child. I will miss the smell of my classroom and the familiar laughter of my students I've had for years. I will miss my colleagues, most of whom I went to high school with. I will miss the comfort my girls felt, the ease at which they roamed the building and visited with other teachers (calling each of the "Aunt"......) -- I will miss the family who clung to us physically and spiritually as we walked the road called "childhood cancer." .........there are many things I will miss........
And yet, as I sit here and think of all I will miss, the irony becomes all to clear and it causes me to laugh out loud. My new school is only 10 miles up the road. :) It too is a small piece of southern heaven and is a place where I began my teaching career so many years ago. Although the familiarity is different....it's still familiar. I am confident that the things I will miss in leaving will soon become the things that comfort me in my new school. Already I've roamed the halls - remembering students and teachers. Already I've laughed with past colleagues and gotten to know new ones. Already people have asked about "Alli" and sought to make both girls feel welcome and at home. Already I've begun to get my feet on solid ground and begin the process of figuring out who I am and what I expect of myself and what is expected of me.
When I look back at the things I will miss and the things that lie ahead I realize that I've come "full circle" in my teaching career. As I struggled with "leaving home" the decision was made easier because I felt a sense of "going home" in the decision also.............so...........there's the epiphany! -- I'll always have ties to my home town - my home school - my childhood - my friends - my family!! But I also know that wherever I am that is home too! I have new relationships to forge and old ones to rekindle-- how awesome is that!!!!
So to my sweet family and friends at PHHS ......... it is with a heavy heart that I leave your hallowed halls. I love you and will miss you. And to my new family at CHS - thank you - for welcoming me back and making me feel like I've never "left home" -- God's love over each of you............
Jeremiah 29:11 -- For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord................. :)
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
One Spark!
This was in my Bible Study a few days ago: "Saying Yes to GOD" (Proverbs 31 Ministries)
" You may be thinking, my yes can't affect others like this. I don't have that kind of influence. But we cannot even begin to understand the plans God has for us. There is always a far-reaching ripple effect when a woman says yes to God. We don't have to see the spread of the influence to know it's there. The power of saying yes to God is beyond anything we could ever imagine."
As I mentioned before, lately I've had this nagging feeling, a constant ache in my soul for those in my community that are lost! But I confess I often feel very motivated but very small and unable to complete the task. I know scripture says "I can do all things through Christ..." (Philippians 4:13) but saying it and doing it are two very different things. Then, as my friend Cindy sent out our daily Bible Study she asked us two important questions that really got me thinking.
1) Is your soul on fire for the Lord?
Reading these statements reminded me of when I was a little girl. My grandmother and mother taught me a song. Part of the lyrics were "it only takes a spark to get a fire going....and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing...." - But what is a spark?
Spark: (noun) -- A small fiery particle thrown off from a fire, alight in ashes, or produced by striking together two hard surfaces such as stone or metal.
A small fiery particle - when we come to know the LORD as our Savior we agree to take forth the message of the gospel. We agree to be the "Light of the World" (John 8:12). Jesus is the LIGHT (fire) and we are the sparks that "go forth" from that Light. We provide light in the darkness that is the world (alight in ashes - ashes are black - like darkness) Lastly, we are not made to light the world on our own. God has left us a helper in the form of the Holy Spirit but HE has also left you with other believers. We are to "strike against" one another for love, comfort and direction when we feel our light fizzling out.
Just like the song above says, one spark starts a fire, believers come together to fan that flame and then ALL those around can warm up in the glowing light that is Jesus Christ.
Are you ready to say YES to GOD? Are you ready for your YES to impact the Kingdom of GOD? Are you ready for your light to start a fire in your community??
2) Do you really have a burning desire to know HIM more? (Cindy's second question)
So ---what happens to a spark if it is left alone? If it is not fed? Simply enough it burns out.
When we come to know Christ as our Savior there is only ONE way to keep that fire burning in us. It is to be constantly connected to the fuel source!!
side note--I'm utterly confused at "Believers" who just come to church on Easter and Christmas, or worship at home through TV (except for home bound individuals), or just come on Sunday mornings, or just seek GOD's counsel when life gets hard.......I apologize - but it confuses my simple mind - because I KNOW that in my daily life if I don't surround myself with GOD, HIS WORD and HIS people, I'd get swallowed up by the dark ash!!
I know in my life there have been times when I have given GOD more lip service than actual Kingdom service. Sundays that I just wanted (and did) to stay in the bed. I've utter words like "It's my only day off." or "I don't like....." -- believe me -- we all have.
BUT - about 10 years ago my life changed -- My family and I became members of Wallace Baptist Church. Don't get me wrong - we didn't get up, walk down the aisle, put our name on the roster and all of a sudden become some "Awesome" Christians ('cuz we are SOOOO NOT) -- however, when I officially joined WBC I knew instantly that I had joined a family of believers. HOW??
This was clearly recognizable because they are a community of believers who everyday live the fruits of the spirit. (Gal 5:22-23) They constantly and prayerfully "Do good to all people." (Gal 6:10) -- let me tell you..........when you surround yourself with like minded people, who are faith talkers and faith walkers; it's kind of hard to not want to be one yourself!! IF you WANT to BE ON FIRE for the LORD and for your life to HAVE IMPACT -- then you must have a CONSTANT fuel source!!
GOD's Word, Prayer and faithful believers are the recipe for SUCCESS!! Think about it this way..........Jesus - knew and referenced GOD's Word, HE prayed, and surrounded himself , with men and women who had a DESIRE to know HIM as their Savior. If we are to strive to be like Christ...........how can we do any less??
In closing....I would ask that you be in prayer for me as I continue to seek GOD's will for my life and HIS words for whatever is written here. My heart and the heart of several others in my church family are completely burdened for young women, young couples and families.....
Will you be a spark that starts a fire today???
P
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Good Morning,
This morning as I sit and write my mind is literally everywhere! There are so many wonderful things that are happening in our lives yet so many tragic things that are happening all around me. It's hard for me to write in a public place all the things I think and feel because sometime it comes out sounding like "its about me" and I truly know it's not.
This time last year I had a friend who was making preparations for her child to pass away; this year I'm doing the same thing. If I haven't mentioned it before - let me tell you - I hate cancer! I don't know what to say to these moms, parents, grandparents. I know some people perceive this as a lack of concern from me but I must confess it's not........it's sheer guilt. Even as I write the word, tears stream down my face. Mothers losing their children sets my body and mind into a comatose state where all I can do is...........exist. If I feel this way......I can only imagine the pain that mother must feel.
Then there's the mother who waits patiently for results from a "scan" just to hear those dreaded words -- there seems to be something.......or a phone call to return to the hospital....there's a spot......
I wish I could tell you that I walk away from these situations believing everything will be just fine in the lives of these families; but the truth is I don't. Instead I running weeping like a child to GOD crying, I cry in the car, in the tub, in bed at night, in the dark when I can't sleep. I weep for these mothers, for them to know that I don't understand any more than they do! I weep pleading with God "What can I do??" "Where can I minister??" "What do I say?" --I'm just a simple woman who knows that the GOD I serve truly LOVES me, LOVES them, and ONE DAY.....as David said (2 Samuel 12:23) I will go to where my loved ones are.
Easier said than done? Maybe.....but what else do I have to hope for? It's taken me almost 40 years to build the confidence in GOD that in the dry seasons of my life, He is the only Living Water that will truly quench my thirst. My thirst for answers, my thirst for understanding, my thirst for a vision of what my purpose here on earth truly is. I've also learned that a thirst isn't quenched with just a passing sip. We must commit ourselves to drink of the waters every hour of every day.........
For me, my thirst became evident 10 years ago and the road to how I could quench that thirst has been revealed to me over and over again by the interceding of Godly people. REAL Godly people. Men and women who knew GOD's Word, studied it, placed it in their hearts, and most importantly LIVED it daily. Their testimony showed me what GOD's Living Water looked like, tasted like and felt like when I submersed myself in it. Not when tragedy befell me but daily, moment to moment, a constant companion HE must be. The past 10 years of my life I have had the most spiritual growth by surrounding myself with men and women (Wallace Baptist Church) who aren't just routine Christians....they are true disciples of the Living Lord - Faith Talkers and Walkers -
When devastating moments happen in our lives we have a choice - we can wonder in the wilderness or we can find refuge in the LORD. We find security in the refuge of the Lord (love Psalm 91) along with peace and ultimately clear understanding. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I hate cancer! However, in the words of Jake Hess - "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now!"
I recently read a story of a young man who had gotten into trouble laundering money and set out to kill himself to avoid the shame he had brought to his family and the consequences he knew he would face (Facing Your Giants- Max Lucado) Praise GOD he couldn't do it. He did ultimately face jail time but because he had "sipped" from GOD's Living Water throughout his life he knew who the LORD was and knew it was time to "belly up to table and drink heartily!" He found HIS refuge in GOD and upon his release, he surrounded him self with a church family who mentored him, gave him BREAD to eat and WATER to drink and is now a Senior Pastor at one of the fastest growing churches in Kentucky! WOW --
My point?? :) My journey has taught me a lot. But the most important thing I think I've learned is that Christians aren't immune to hurt. As I walk daily with HIM I might face circumstances that I can't fathom or understand. But when I surrounding myself with HIM, with GODly people, drinking in HIS Living Water, submersing myself in who HE is and who HE wants me to be my burdens grow light and my mission and ministry becomes clear.
On the day we found out Alli had cancer, we didn't fall down and cry out asking God why? Did that mean WE had that much faith??? (NO!) -- It just meant that WE knew then what WE know now OUR GOD is OUR only HOPE! My friend Stacie stood in my living room and held me by my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and asked "Are you ok?" I smiled and answered her with a confidence I cannot explain "Yes! She's not ours - she belongs to GOD and HE can and will do with her what HE desires!" I don't know where those words came from - but I know I meant them then and I mean them now - even as heart wrenching as it is to say and write them......I know it's true!! Even when the doctors told us our chances were 50/50 -- (and really not even that good) -- I just smiled (very goofy like) and said "Well, that's what you say - we'll rely on the Lord!" -- my only explanation?? I just didn't believe any medicine on earth or any physicians hand could heal her -- only THE GREAT PHYSICIAN was gonna be able to pull this one off.
When I tell that story I reminded, women of greater faith than me have pleaded for their loved ones and GOD has chosen to take them anyway. Why? I have NO answer! But it doesn't change my faith or my belief that the GOD I serve LOVES us and purposes our lives for good.........in all situations.
I can tell you that when our daughter was riddled with sores, couldn't eat and on the verge of what appeared to be death.......I had a hard time seeing GOD's goodness (I'm ashamed to the point of tears) - but even now my tear stained face remembers those images and how all I could do was lay a towel by her bed, kneal and plead with GOD - crying out - to make it stop!!! Knowing the STOP maybe to take her home with HIM!
I didn't know then what I know now....that GOD used Alli's cancer to heal so many. That our prayer for salvation for others through Alli's journey was really being answered!! I didn't and couldn't know those things then because GOD's purpose was for us to trust HIM fully, in all circumstances -- knowing that the outcome only belongs to HIM for the sole purpose of the glorification of HIS KINGDOM! Sometimes -- we can't know and will never know GOD's plan (reasons) ........that's why it's called FAITH!
I know I need to close (I've been reading and writing for almost 2 hours) -- but I don't know how to end.........Writing is SO very personal to me that I'm always afraid to put it out there.
But there is a thought that comes to mind. My journey was and is bearable because I struggled; because I had to lay aside ALL the things of MAN and rely on GOD alone! Only when I did that did I see clearly - the man GOD had given me to walk this journey with me, the family, friends and church GOD had given me for support and most importantly I saw the CHRIST - GOD had provided for me. When I began to seek GOD, HIS will and HIS way alone -- I knew that we would be ok -- whatever the outcome.
Today - I leave these words --Do you know GOD? Do you know that when bad things happen GOD has not left you? Do you have a place (physical place) where you can go, to find other believers who will give you GOD's Word to feast on? Who will pray with you, love you and help reveal to you GOD's ministry for your life? I pray that you will seek that place - that you will seek GOD and when you find HIM - you will hold fast to HIM!
This morning as I sit and write my mind is literally everywhere! There are so many wonderful things that are happening in our lives yet so many tragic things that are happening all around me. It's hard for me to write in a public place all the things I think and feel because sometime it comes out sounding like "its about me" and I truly know it's not.
This time last year I had a friend who was making preparations for her child to pass away; this year I'm doing the same thing. If I haven't mentioned it before - let me tell you - I hate cancer! I don't know what to say to these moms, parents, grandparents. I know some people perceive this as a lack of concern from me but I must confess it's not........it's sheer guilt. Even as I write the word, tears stream down my face. Mothers losing their children sets my body and mind into a comatose state where all I can do is...........exist. If I feel this way......I can only imagine the pain that mother must feel.
Then there's the mother who waits patiently for results from a "scan" just to hear those dreaded words -- there seems to be something.......or a phone call to return to the hospital....there's a spot......
I wish I could tell you that I walk away from these situations believing everything will be just fine in the lives of these families; but the truth is I don't. Instead I running weeping like a child to GOD crying, I cry in the car, in the tub, in bed at night, in the dark when I can't sleep. I weep for these mothers, for them to know that I don't understand any more than they do! I weep pleading with God "What can I do??" "Where can I minister??" "What do I say?" --I'm just a simple woman who knows that the GOD I serve truly LOVES me, LOVES them, and ONE DAY.....as David said (2 Samuel 12:23) I will go to where my loved ones are.
Easier said than done? Maybe.....but what else do I have to hope for? It's taken me almost 40 years to build the confidence in GOD that in the dry seasons of my life, He is the only Living Water that will truly quench my thirst. My thirst for answers, my thirst for understanding, my thirst for a vision of what my purpose here on earth truly is. I've also learned that a thirst isn't quenched with just a passing sip. We must commit ourselves to drink of the waters every hour of every day.........
For me, my thirst became evident 10 years ago and the road to how I could quench that thirst has been revealed to me over and over again by the interceding of Godly people. REAL Godly people. Men and women who knew GOD's Word, studied it, placed it in their hearts, and most importantly LIVED it daily. Their testimony showed me what GOD's Living Water looked like, tasted like and felt like when I submersed myself in it. Not when tragedy befell me but daily, moment to moment, a constant companion HE must be. The past 10 years of my life I have had the most spiritual growth by surrounding myself with men and women (Wallace Baptist Church) who aren't just routine Christians....they are true disciples of the Living Lord - Faith Talkers and Walkers -
When devastating moments happen in our lives we have a choice - we can wonder in the wilderness or we can find refuge in the LORD. We find security in the refuge of the Lord (love Psalm 91) along with peace and ultimately clear understanding. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I hate cancer! However, in the words of Jake Hess - "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now!"
I recently read a story of a young man who had gotten into trouble laundering money and set out to kill himself to avoid the shame he had brought to his family and the consequences he knew he would face (Facing Your Giants- Max Lucado) Praise GOD he couldn't do it. He did ultimately face jail time but because he had "sipped" from GOD's Living Water throughout his life he knew who the LORD was and knew it was time to "belly up to table and drink heartily!" He found HIS refuge in GOD and upon his release, he surrounded him self with a church family who mentored him, gave him BREAD to eat and WATER to drink and is now a Senior Pastor at one of the fastest growing churches in Kentucky! WOW --
My point?? :) My journey has taught me a lot. But the most important thing I think I've learned is that Christians aren't immune to hurt. As I walk daily with HIM I might face circumstances that I can't fathom or understand. But when I surrounding myself with HIM, with GODly people, drinking in HIS Living Water, submersing myself in who HE is and who HE wants me to be my burdens grow light and my mission and ministry becomes clear.
On the day we found out Alli had cancer, we didn't fall down and cry out asking God why? Did that mean WE had that much faith??? (NO!) -- It just meant that WE knew then what WE know now OUR GOD is OUR only HOPE! My friend Stacie stood in my living room and held me by my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and asked "Are you ok?" I smiled and answered her with a confidence I cannot explain "Yes! She's not ours - she belongs to GOD and HE can and will do with her what HE desires!" I don't know where those words came from - but I know I meant them then and I mean them now - even as heart wrenching as it is to say and write them......I know it's true!! Even when the doctors told us our chances were 50/50 -- (and really not even that good) -- I just smiled (very goofy like) and said "Well, that's what you say - we'll rely on the Lord!" -- my only explanation?? I just didn't believe any medicine on earth or any physicians hand could heal her -- only THE GREAT PHYSICIAN was gonna be able to pull this one off.
When I tell that story I reminded, women of greater faith than me have pleaded for their loved ones and GOD has chosen to take them anyway. Why? I have NO answer! But it doesn't change my faith or my belief that the GOD I serve LOVES us and purposes our lives for good.........in all situations.
I can tell you that when our daughter was riddled with sores, couldn't eat and on the verge of what appeared to be death.......I had a hard time seeing GOD's goodness (I'm ashamed to the point of tears) - but even now my tear stained face remembers those images and how all I could do was lay a towel by her bed, kneal and plead with GOD - crying out - to make it stop!!! Knowing the STOP maybe to take her home with HIM!
I didn't know then what I know now....that GOD used Alli's cancer to heal so many. That our prayer for salvation for others through Alli's journey was really being answered!! I didn't and couldn't know those things then because GOD's purpose was for us to trust HIM fully, in all circumstances -- knowing that the outcome only belongs to HIM for the sole purpose of the glorification of HIS KINGDOM! Sometimes -- we can't know and will never know GOD's plan (reasons) ........that's why it's called FAITH!
I know I need to close (I've been reading and writing for almost 2 hours) -- but I don't know how to end.........Writing is SO very personal to me that I'm always afraid to put it out there.
But there is a thought that comes to mind. My journey was and is bearable because I struggled; because I had to lay aside ALL the things of MAN and rely on GOD alone! Only when I did that did I see clearly - the man GOD had given me to walk this journey with me, the family, friends and church GOD had given me for support and most importantly I saw the CHRIST - GOD had provided for me. When I began to seek GOD, HIS will and HIS way alone -- I knew that we would be ok -- whatever the outcome.
Today - I leave these words --Do you know GOD? Do you know that when bad things happen GOD has not left you? Do you have a place (physical place) where you can go, to find other believers who will give you GOD's Word to feast on? Who will pray with you, love you and help reveal to you GOD's ministry for your life? I pray that you will seek that place - that you will seek GOD and when you find HIM - you will hold fast to HIM!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A thought worth revisiting
Apr 8, 2010 8:53 AM
Good Morning,
Alli woke this morning at 7:45 by saying "Mommy, I'm hungry." So she and I got up and headed down to the dining hall here at the RMH. She has about 2 bites of her Fruit Loops and was done.
I suffered through all my "diet" oatmeal and a cup of coffee and we wondered back to the room.
Hopefully this will stay down. Last night she wouldn't eat anything resonable like I wanted her to...NO...she had to have McDonalds Chicken Nuggets and Fries. She ate them, and then they made a re-peat appearance. Needless to say, we threw that towel away!! So this morning she listened to me when I said "Let's just take is slow today."
Alli is such a strongwilled little girl that sometimes it is best to let her learn on her own. As disgusting as that lesson may have to be for the rest of us!! In the hospital she would give you this frown and purse her lips when she wanted you to leave her alone. I think her first words after surgery were "NO."
She has marveled the doctors, nurses and therapist by "doing it herself," and not wanting anyone's help. She will tell you where to stand and how to help her. It's pretty funny!! They brought her a walker..HA HA! She just looked at that lady but we didn't use it.
When she gets aggravated she just cuts her eyes at you and refuses to talk to you. Which is fine for everybody else but when she does it to me I always tell her "Look heifer, I'm the one that's gonna be here when everybody else leaves." That may not be the most loving words but they always seems to jolt her back into reality!! Because in about 2 minutes it's "Mama, I love you" or "Mama, can I sit with you." .........see...a heifer!! HA HA HA
Anyway, as you can see we have good days and bad days; which is normal! What amazes me is the resiliance of this little child. She really is "tough as a boot!" Several nurses have asked her where she gets that hardheadedness from, of course I always point to Doyle!! It is definitely NOT one of MY characteristics!! (Funny Right?)
Seeing Alli's fight has reminded me daily that no matter what I am feeling physically or mentally it is NOTHING compared to what she is dealing with.
I always hear people say how resiliant kids are, so I was wondering, a what point in life do we lose that? Where do we forget that life is a battlefield and we are to be warriors of Christ? If we aren't "pressing-on" then who is? If we aren't fighting for Christ, then who is? If we aren't telling the world then what are they hearing? If we aren't showing the world then what are they seeing?
STOP, LOOK and LISTEN!! Look at society, the family, the home, our schools, your communities. Listen to your government and world leaders. WHO are the people with the loudest voice? Are they Christ's people or satan's. It's a scary thought isn't is?
My prayer is that we are raising two little girls who will "press-on" even when it would be easier to jump the fence and "go with the flow." Because we know that a strong-willed heart, a determined mind, and a love for Christ are the things that little girls SHOULD be made of!
Praise GOD!!
Phil. 3:14 " I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus!"
PS....what is the prize you are pressing on toward? Money? Recognition? Youthfulness? Status? I pray today that your goal is Jesus Christ!!
Loving you all,
Paula
Good Morning,
Alli woke this morning at 7:45 by saying "Mommy, I'm hungry." So she and I got up and headed down to the dining hall here at the RMH. She has about 2 bites of her Fruit Loops and was done.
I suffered through all my "diet" oatmeal and a cup of coffee and we wondered back to the room.
Hopefully this will stay down. Last night she wouldn't eat anything resonable like I wanted her to...NO...she had to have McDonalds Chicken Nuggets and Fries. She ate them, and then they made a re-peat appearance. Needless to say, we threw that towel away!! So this morning she listened to me when I said "Let's just take is slow today."
Alli is such a strongwilled little girl that sometimes it is best to let her learn on her own. As disgusting as that lesson may have to be for the rest of us!! In the hospital she would give you this frown and purse her lips when she wanted you to leave her alone. I think her first words after surgery were "NO."
She has marveled the doctors, nurses and therapist by "doing it herself," and not wanting anyone's help. She will tell you where to stand and how to help her. It's pretty funny!! They brought her a walker..HA HA! She just looked at that lady but we didn't use it.
When she gets aggravated she just cuts her eyes at you and refuses to talk to you. Which is fine for everybody else but when she does it to me I always tell her "Look heifer, I'm the one that's gonna be here when everybody else leaves." That may not be the most loving words but they always seems to jolt her back into reality!! Because in about 2 minutes it's "Mama, I love you" or "Mama, can I sit with you." .........see...a heifer!! HA HA HA
Anyway, as you can see we have good days and bad days; which is normal! What amazes me is the resiliance of this little child. She really is "tough as a boot!" Several nurses have asked her where she gets that hardheadedness from, of course I always point to Doyle!! It is definitely NOT one of MY characteristics!! (Funny Right?)
Seeing Alli's fight has reminded me daily that no matter what I am feeling physically or mentally it is NOTHING compared to what she is dealing with.
I always hear people say how resiliant kids are, so I was wondering, a what point in life do we lose that? Where do we forget that life is a battlefield and we are to be warriors of Christ? If we aren't "pressing-on" then who is? If we aren't fighting for Christ, then who is? If we aren't telling the world then what are they hearing? If we aren't showing the world then what are they seeing?
STOP, LOOK and LISTEN!! Look at society, the family, the home, our schools, your communities. Listen to your government and world leaders. WHO are the people with the loudest voice? Are they Christ's people or satan's. It's a scary thought isn't is?
My prayer is that we are raising two little girls who will "press-on" even when it would be easier to jump the fence and "go with the flow." Because we know that a strong-willed heart, a determined mind, and a love for Christ are the things that little girls SHOULD be made of!
Praise GOD!!
Phil. 3:14 " I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus!"
PS....what is the prize you are pressing on toward? Money? Recognition? Youthfulness? Status? I pray today that your goal is Jesus Christ!!
Loving you all,
Paula
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Chair
The following is what happens when you are a 37 year old woman with too many Ally McBeal reruns and not enough sleep---no employees or small animals were hurt in the writing of this fantasy.............
It's a Thursday (1:30 AM) Alli and I are in ICU--both very tossy-turny--both unable to sleep. I've given up the battle of sleep. I'm done- "put a fork in me."
But it seems unfair to declare defeat to the public when the battle has not been fully explained. How can you claim defeat when there has apparently been no fight to start with? Oh, but there has. Let's see...
Sunday night- Allison was admitted to the ICU at St. Jude to begin the first round of her antibody treatments. I jokingly noticed that my bed for the next 5 nights would be a large, very cumbersome, blue recliner in the corner of this small room. Now- if the recliner had been in proper working order- the thought came to mind that I might could make it. But since it wasn't- my battle cry began to wane..however, not wanting to put a damper on the already unsure days to come- I "Manned-up" take one for the team kind of attitude-ed it away!
First 24 hours without sleep aren't really that bad. Sleep is overrated- a statement you may hear me say more than once in this little story. It became comical to me. How could a place so dedicated to patient care have forgotten that in order for me - the parent - to participate with them in that care I might require a place to sleep- that was a tad more comfortable? A feeling of guilt came over me- It's St. Jude- they've gone above and beyond to help us- to give us back our child. The picture in my head was a cartoon where the King (St. Jude) comes by and throws out crumbs to the peasants...(I was a peasant) ...and we are SO grateful to get them that we lap them up never looking at them to see what they truly are............rotten broken pieces of a dilapidated recliner!!
After 48 hours of no sleep....it was hard to try and "man-up" and take one for the team or see the "King" in his good light. Daddy is staying here in Memphis and comes to sit with Alli so I can shower-but on his Tuesday visit- I decided to nap at the Grizzly house and he decided to take this opportunity to get my broken chair fixed. Why? Because that's what daddies do. They protect their daughters from things that go "bump" in the night, boys with bad intentions and unacceptable acts of torture by furniture!
I'm not quite sure how the conversation went but I'm sure there was a lot of ideas flying about the room of what was wrong with the chair and exactly how he would fix it before the maintenance fellow actually took the old blue chair away. And as with all things, when something leaves- something else usually arrives to take it's place. This was just the case on this particular Tuesday.
Upon my return to the hospital, my feet and spirit dragged up the elevator and down the hall way toward the room with the "blue chair" I heard a pounding in my head shouting- "NO--not back to the chair!!" Sounds of drums reminiscent of a beheading- But alas, when I entered the room it was the first thing I saw- beckoning- me from across the room. It's bright silver casters with locks on the bottom to indicate Red - for locked or Black - for unlocked. It sparkled so that I had to cover my eyes to guard against it's blinding radiance- It invited me to sit down in it's deep lap and to curl my feet up on this flat smooth surface. It's arms enveloped me with a feeling of familiarity; like I was made to sit in this chair and it had been vacant in it's purpose until I rested my posterior in it awaiting upholstery. I inhaled it's fragrance--it smelled like victory- it smelled like sleep.
I took a moment- gathered my composure, almost feeling embarrassed by the gratification my senses were enjoying, and thanked my father for all the wonderful things in life he had provided us. But mostly, at this moment, for the chair he had single handily acquired! "Oh-Father- there is none so great and powerful as you." I told him- Men will spend ages attempting to understand and emulate the father you are. (I must take pause here..the emotions are just too much!)..............
Thank you - It is here in our story that I would like to pause and say that there is a "Happily ever After" in the making but not just yet. After "Father" left, I sat and began to really get to know my new friend. Every inch of it's red leather, sparkled and begged "Please sit here." I was glad to oblige. But I no more had begun to enjoy it inviting comforts went to my shock I looked up at the door to see the maintenance guy with .........THE BLUE CHAIR!!!
I jumped up "What's this?" He walked by me- grabbed the RED chair and wheeled her out the door. Her arms reaching out to me- mother and child separated- lovers torn apart - childhood friends driving away holding onto that last rearview window gaze......I felt......despair..."what do I do?" --I acted quickly-- as he unloaded the BLUE immovable chair. No shiny metal casters for him. Just planked wood bottom to slide and scuff floors, splintering his victims as they sit. I said to him "Is is fixed?" SHOT---at that moment-- he went for his six-shooters. His eyes shut to a sly slit- he rested his navy blue pants in the BLUE chair--suddenly...he pulled the lever--preparing for relaxation and victory---he got...neither!!
I felt good- smug-- I laughed at his jammed lever- his gum-shoe hands and six shooter attitude. It was still broken. As he tucked his tail and BLUE chair was carted away--I reentered the room with a sigh of relief. This victory had been secured....all was well.
As night fell I gathered my things. It was at that moment that the most wonderful thing happened. The sleep that had eluded me for nearly 72 hours began to return to me. As the sun faded behind the horizon- my eyes too began to disappear behind a curtain of lids.
I awoke- feeling more refreshed than the days before- my outlook was bright- optimistic of the day to come! Breakfast was better- the eggs tasted more eggy- the bacon more bacony- the grits-more grit like--the coffee drank smoother--warmed me deeper- all was right. As I indulged my senses and wrapped my body in the warmth of the arms of the RED chair- there came a knock at the door.
I rose unwillingly from my euphoria and pulled back the curtain to reveal the glass door. There- I stared in shock-as screams- voices yelling "NO!!" - horror music played in my head- was THE BLUE CHAIR!!
I stammered as I watched...he walked past me...eggs, bacon and grits sputtering forth as I tried to understand - why? "It's fixed." He said - smuggly-- "WHY can't I keep this chair?" I asked- exasperated. "Because" he said "my job is to decide who gets what chairs, and I decide- you don't get this one." --There it is folks---plain and simple--He had bigger guns-- and more so--he had me by the guns.
I mean--what do you do in a situation like this? Sure, pictures of me falling on the floor being dragged away with the RED chair crossed my mind. I pictured my self standing on the deck of the Titanic saying "I'll never forget you," as he wheeled her away...........
In my disgust I returned to the room- emotionally wrought--wondering--will I ever see her again? What job was so important that she couldn't be mine? Is she alone tonight- wondering were are the rumps to warm her ample seat? I would like to tell you that there wasn't mourning but there was. We all felt it- even the nurses came by to check on me- to stare at the monstrosity of BLUE that had been left in the wake of RED magnificence.
The BLUE haunts me now- stealing my sleep- laughing creeks as I try to recline and he folds me up again and again. The jerk in his recline reminds me of the smooth glide of her lean. Never a bobble, just smooth- relaxed. His is forced- grouchy- old -irritated. And although he may have won this time; him and his master of navy blue pants, ruler of the recliners. Rules are made to change.....RED chairs were made to be loved...........I will find her........I will bring her back........I will rest again!!!
It's a Thursday (1:30 AM) Alli and I are in ICU--both very tossy-turny--both unable to sleep. I've given up the battle of sleep. I'm done- "put a fork in me."
But it seems unfair to declare defeat to the public when the battle has not been fully explained. How can you claim defeat when there has apparently been no fight to start with? Oh, but there has. Let's see...
Sunday night- Allison was admitted to the ICU at St. Jude to begin the first round of her antibody treatments. I jokingly noticed that my bed for the next 5 nights would be a large, very cumbersome, blue recliner in the corner of this small room. Now- if the recliner had been in proper working order- the thought came to mind that I might could make it. But since it wasn't- my battle cry began to wane..however, not wanting to put a damper on the already unsure days to come- I "Manned-up" take one for the team kind of attitude-ed it away!
First 24 hours without sleep aren't really that bad. Sleep is overrated- a statement you may hear me say more than once in this little story. It became comical to me. How could a place so dedicated to patient care have forgotten that in order for me - the parent - to participate with them in that care I might require a place to sleep- that was a tad more comfortable? A feeling of guilt came over me- It's St. Jude- they've gone above and beyond to help us- to give us back our child. The picture in my head was a cartoon where the King (St. Jude) comes by and throws out crumbs to the peasants...(I was a peasant) ...and we are SO grateful to get them that we lap them up never looking at them to see what they truly are............rotten broken pieces of a dilapidated recliner!!
After 48 hours of no sleep....it was hard to try and "man-up" and take one for the team or see the "King" in his good light. Daddy is staying here in Memphis and comes to sit with Alli so I can shower-but on his Tuesday visit- I decided to nap at the Grizzly house and he decided to take this opportunity to get my broken chair fixed. Why? Because that's what daddies do. They protect their daughters from things that go "bump" in the night, boys with bad intentions and unacceptable acts of torture by furniture!
I'm not quite sure how the conversation went but I'm sure there was a lot of ideas flying about the room of what was wrong with the chair and exactly how he would fix it before the maintenance fellow actually took the old blue chair away. And as with all things, when something leaves- something else usually arrives to take it's place. This was just the case on this particular Tuesday.
Upon my return to the hospital, my feet and spirit dragged up the elevator and down the hall way toward the room with the "blue chair" I heard a pounding in my head shouting- "NO--not back to the chair!!" Sounds of drums reminiscent of a beheading- But alas, when I entered the room it was the first thing I saw- beckoning- me from across the room. It's bright silver casters with locks on the bottom to indicate Red - for locked or Black - for unlocked. It sparkled so that I had to cover my eyes to guard against it's blinding radiance- It invited me to sit down in it's deep lap and to curl my feet up on this flat smooth surface. It's arms enveloped me with a feeling of familiarity; like I was made to sit in this chair and it had been vacant in it's purpose until I rested my posterior in it awaiting upholstery. I inhaled it's fragrance--it smelled like victory- it smelled like sleep.
I took a moment- gathered my composure, almost feeling embarrassed by the gratification my senses were enjoying, and thanked my father for all the wonderful things in life he had provided us. But mostly, at this moment, for the chair he had single handily acquired! "Oh-Father- there is none so great and powerful as you." I told him- Men will spend ages attempting to understand and emulate the father you are. (I must take pause here..the emotions are just too much!)..............
Thank you - It is here in our story that I would like to pause and say that there is a "Happily ever After" in the making but not just yet. After "Father" left, I sat and began to really get to know my new friend. Every inch of it's red leather, sparkled and begged "Please sit here." I was glad to oblige. But I no more had begun to enjoy it inviting comforts went to my shock I looked up at the door to see the maintenance guy with .........THE BLUE CHAIR!!!
I jumped up "What's this?" He walked by me- grabbed the RED chair and wheeled her out the door. Her arms reaching out to me- mother and child separated- lovers torn apart - childhood friends driving away holding onto that last rearview window gaze......I felt......despair..."what do I do?" --I acted quickly-- as he unloaded the BLUE immovable chair. No shiny metal casters for him. Just planked wood bottom to slide and scuff floors, splintering his victims as they sit. I said to him "Is is fixed?" SHOT---at that moment-- he went for his six-shooters. His eyes shut to a sly slit- he rested his navy blue pants in the BLUE chair--suddenly...he pulled the lever--preparing for relaxation and victory---he got...neither!!
I felt good- smug-- I laughed at his jammed lever- his gum-shoe hands and six shooter attitude. It was still broken. As he tucked his tail and BLUE chair was carted away--I reentered the room with a sigh of relief. This victory had been secured....all was well.
As night fell I gathered my things. It was at that moment that the most wonderful thing happened. The sleep that had eluded me for nearly 72 hours began to return to me. As the sun faded behind the horizon- my eyes too began to disappear behind a curtain of lids.
I awoke- feeling more refreshed than the days before- my outlook was bright- optimistic of the day to come! Breakfast was better- the eggs tasted more eggy- the bacon more bacony- the grits-more grit like--the coffee drank smoother--warmed me deeper- all was right. As I indulged my senses and wrapped my body in the warmth of the arms of the RED chair- there came a knock at the door.
I rose unwillingly from my euphoria and pulled back the curtain to reveal the glass door. There- I stared in shock-as screams- voices yelling "NO!!" - horror music played in my head- was THE BLUE CHAIR!!
I stammered as I watched...he walked past me...eggs, bacon and grits sputtering forth as I tried to understand - why? "It's fixed." He said - smuggly-- "WHY can't I keep this chair?" I asked- exasperated. "Because" he said "my job is to decide who gets what chairs, and I decide- you don't get this one." --There it is folks---plain and simple--He had bigger guns-- and more so--he had me by the guns.
I mean--what do you do in a situation like this? Sure, pictures of me falling on the floor being dragged away with the RED chair crossed my mind. I pictured my self standing on the deck of the Titanic saying "I'll never forget you," as he wheeled her away...........
In my disgust I returned to the room- emotionally wrought--wondering--will I ever see her again? What job was so important that she couldn't be mine? Is she alone tonight- wondering were are the rumps to warm her ample seat? I would like to tell you that there wasn't mourning but there was. We all felt it- even the nurses came by to check on me- to stare at the monstrosity of BLUE that had been left in the wake of RED magnificence.
The BLUE haunts me now- stealing my sleep- laughing creeks as I try to recline and he folds me up again and again. The jerk in his recline reminds me of the smooth glide of her lean. Never a bobble, just smooth- relaxed. His is forced- grouchy- old -irritated. And although he may have won this time; him and his master of navy blue pants, ruler of the recliners. Rules are made to change.....RED chairs were made to be loved...........I will find her........I will bring her back........I will rest again!!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Barnabas---Son of Encouragment
Feeling a little down and confused I was pleasantly uplifted by my Bible study this morning. It was about Barnabas and how he was an "encouragement" to Paul. Barnabas' name was actually Joseph. But he was such an encourager to the disciples that they re-named him Barnabas!! That is SO COOL---
This made me reflect on the past 8 months of our "Cancer Journey." As I looked back I began to think of the over 155,000 people who have stopped by Alli's site, the people who have emailed us, sent packages/letters/donations, who have organized fundraisers. Those people who have taken the 6 hour treck to Memphis to see Alli, who have called just to pray with me on the phone and check on my mental state (which we know only had room for improvement-ha)
The PRAYER WARRIORS who have NEVER stopped praying!! (I have a special one who I chat with in wee hours of the morning....thank you my special friend!!)
Encouragers.........each and everyone of you out there have been a GREAT and FAITHFUL encouragement to me and my entire family!! .............you Barnabas' (is that correct grammar?)
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
As I close let me leave you with some words of Mrs. Beth Moore
"Dear Lord,
Open my eyes to new opportunities to encourage others daily. Help me to give people the courage to be the people YOU have called them to be................Help me to be................
AN ENCOURAGER!!"
Today, will you be the encourager or the discourager??? Jesus has called us to lift one another up...............
All my love and thanks to everyone out there....all 155,000 of you!
Paula
This made me reflect on the past 8 months of our "Cancer Journey." As I looked back I began to think of the over 155,000 people who have stopped by Alli's site, the people who have emailed us, sent packages/letters/donations, who have organized fundraisers. Those people who have taken the 6 hour treck to Memphis to see Alli, who have called just to pray with me on the phone and check on my mental state (which we know only had room for improvement-ha)
The PRAYER WARRIORS who have NEVER stopped praying!! (I have a special one who I chat with in wee hours of the morning....thank you my special friend!!)
Encouragers.........each and everyone of you out there have been a GREAT and FAITHFUL encouragement to me and my entire family!! .............you Barnabas' (is that correct grammar?)
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
As I close let me leave you with some words of Mrs. Beth Moore
"Dear Lord,
Open my eyes to new opportunities to encourage others daily. Help me to give people the courage to be the people YOU have called them to be................Help me to be................
AN ENCOURAGER!!"
Today, will you be the encourager or the discourager??? Jesus has called us to lift one another up...............
All my love and thanks to everyone out there....all 155,000 of you!
Paula
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Little Orphan Annie...........by Rachel Mullan
This is a story told to me by Miss Rachel Mullan from Covington, LA. It is an old folk tale told to her by her mom many years ago................
Little orphan Annie has come to our house to stay
and wash the cups an saucers up and brush the crumbs away
and shoo the chickens off the porch and dust the hearth and sweep
and make the fire and bake the bread and earn her board and keep
and all of us other children when the supper things is done
We sits around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun.
Alistening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!!
And once there was a little girl who would always laugh and grin
and make fun of everyone even her own blood and kin
and once when there was compnay and the old folks were there
she mock'em and she shocked'em an she said she didn't care
but just as she kicked her heel to turn and run and hide
there was two great big black things astanding by her side
and they snatched her through the ceiling before she knew what she's about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
And once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers
and when he went to bed at night way way upstairs
his mama heard him holler an his daddy heard him ball
but when they pulled the covers down he wasn't there at all
and they seeked'em in the rafter room and chimney flew and press
an seek'em in the cubby hole and everywhere's I guess
but all they ever found was just his pants around about
an the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
So little orphan Annie says when the blaze is blue and the lamp wick sputters
and the wind goes whoooooo and you hear the crickets crick
and the moon is gray and all the lightening bugs and dew is all squenched away
You better mind your parents and your teachers fine
and dear and cherish those that love you and dry the orphans tear
an help the poor and needy ones that clusters all about
or else...........the GOBLINS will get you if you DON'T WATCH OUT!!!!!
Little orphan Annie has come to our house to stay
and wash the cups an saucers up and brush the crumbs away
and shoo the chickens off the porch and dust the hearth and sweep
and make the fire and bake the bread and earn her board and keep
and all of us other children when the supper things is done
We sits around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun.
Alistening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!!
And once there was a little girl who would always laugh and grin
and make fun of everyone even her own blood and kin
and once when there was compnay and the old folks were there
she mock'em and she shocked'em an she said she didn't care
but just as she kicked her heel to turn and run and hide
there was two great big black things astanding by her side
and they snatched her through the ceiling before she knew what she's about
and the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
And once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers
and when he went to bed at night way way upstairs
his mama heard him holler an his daddy heard him ball
but when they pulled the covers down he wasn't there at all
and they seeked'em in the rafter room and chimney flew and press
an seek'em in the cubby hole and everywhere's I guess
but all they ever found was just his pants around about
an the goblins will get ya' if you don't watch out!
So little orphan Annie says when the blaze is blue and the lamp wick sputters
and the wind goes whoooooo and you hear the crickets crick
and the moon is gray and all the lightening bugs and dew is all squenched away
You better mind your parents and your teachers fine
and dear and cherish those that love you and dry the orphans tear
an help the poor and needy ones that clusters all about
or else...........the GOBLINS will get you if you DON'T WATCH OUT!!!!!
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